Saturday, September 7, 2019

How To Protect Your Energy from Toxic People?

When in the company of highly narcissistic individuals we tend to feel drained, down, sad, insecure and doubtful. 

In essence we feel depleted of our life force, of our energy.


Because when you are in contact with a narcissist you are used as a "human battery". 

If you are in a relationship with a psychopath or a narcissist, to them you have one, and only one purpose: narcissistic supply

Your reaction to their pity ploys, lies, accusations, and all the manipulation tactics that you can think of are what they live by.

In today's video I insist on the importance of protecting your energy and why we would benefit immensely from letting our energy guide us to what is good for us and what is not.

So, if you ask me, the best way to protect your energy is to reduce contact. If you can go no contact, great, if not, reduce it as much as possible.

Remember what Robert Hare says: 

"If you see a psychopath, RUN"

Freud said something that makes a lot of sense as well: 

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression, or low self-esteem, make sure you are not, in fact,  surrounded by jerks"

Sunday, September 1, 2019

What is EMDR ?

Francine Shapiro had lived a very traumatic event but walking in a park in California she discovered a way to feel better about it. 

She realized that if she looked sideways while recalling this traumatic event she instantly felt better. 

After studying this and realizing that there was a connection between REM (Rapid Eye Movement) and our processing of traumatic events, she developed EMDR. 

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is based on the assumption that during REM sleep we process what we lived during the day. If we lived very negative events, REM is no longer able to process such negative events, generating trauma. 

EMDR, with an 80 to 90 % success rate, is considered a highly effective therapy for reducing or eliminating PTSD symptoms. 

Statistics have shown that when it comes to specific traumatic events, such as a car accident, a rape, an assault, or any other single traumatic event, this type of treatment can reduce PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms significantly. 

You can learn more about this and how it compares with other therapies when it comes to CPTSD and Narcissistic Abuse in these videos: In English and In Spanish.

Sunday, August 25, 2019

What is DARVO ?

Knowing about this manipulation tactic will increase the possibility of not being tricked by offenders playing the victim role this is why it's so important for you to know about this.

Jennifer Freyd defined DARVO as 

"DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation." 

D stands for DENY (the accusation of the victim)
A stands for ATTACK (the victim)
R stands for REVERSE (roles)
V stands for VICTIM 
O stands for OFFENDER

This sounds all too familiar to victims of covert narcissists, psychopaths, and narcissists. 

These types of interactions where the wrong doings of the psychopath are projected onto the real victim are exactly what targets of narcissistic abuse have to deal with every-single-day.

More on this in today's video.

Saturday, August 17, 2019

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse

Today I wanted to share three things to consider when healing from an abusive relationship.

It takes time

At least 2 years of consistent therapy to work on any symptoms of CPTSD and on any personal issues that may be present.

During the first year you have to see positive changes and you should start to feel better. If not, consider talking about this with your therapist or maybe try to find a different therapist that can resonate better with you.

No Contact is King 🤴 

Maintaining no contact is a measure of personal protection. 

It doesn't mean that you are angry, you are disrespectful, or that you are taking revenge against the toxic person. It means that you love yourself enough to set this boundary and protect yourself from an abusive person.

If you can't go full no contact, minimize communications via e-mail.

Self-Care is Queen 👸 :)

You have been through A LOT. 

You are currently fragile emotionally and physically.

Use the power of self love to boost your healing progress. 

It's essential that you eat good foods, exercise lightly regularly (yoga is awesome for the traumatized brain) and sleep well.

Friday, August 9, 2019

What Happens When You Go Back With a Narcissist?

When in doubt, stick to the list!

My full answer is in today's video but first let me give you a simple exercise you can do at home, that will bring you clarity and will help you decide for yourself.

Write a list.

Write a list of things you remember from this relationship that were draining emotionally, events that made you feel less than, devalued, alone, things this person did to you that hurt you deeply. 

That will be your "reality check list" that will help you beat the cognitive dissonance blues.

And then you'll know...

Saturday, August 3, 2019

5 Myths About Codependency

Codependency as defined by Leign:

" a pattern of compulsive behaviors that is motivated by a dependency on another's approval and is designed to find a sense of safety identity and self-worth."

It's a set of behaviors that make us want to please and always say yes to loved ones in order to avoid negative affect, even if it means that we are saying no to ourselves. 

This way of behaving in the world diminishes our capacity to be assertive, weakens our boundaries, and makes it very difficult for us to be in contact with what we want, and how we feel, because the focus is always on loved ones.

Meanwhile, psychopathic narcissists will prey upon everyone. They'll try. Some people will be easier preys, others not so easy. Some may get a scratch others may get depleted. 

Codependents are the easier prey. In today's video (English) I explain why. There's also a Spanish version here... if you are interested.

But keep in mind: codependent or not, narcissists look for supply, no matter who gives it to them.


Wednesday, July 24, 2019

The Inner Critic

Have you ever felt as if you had toxic people renting space in your head? 

Or maybe you assumed that the negative self talk was just yourself thinking?

Either way The Inner Critic is responsible for your own harsh judgements aimed at yourself.

The inner critic is made of "shoulds", "musts", "don'ts", and when a person has been through abuse he or she will have an inflamed inner critic

This harsh critic aggressively replays the abuser's voice reminding the victim of how "inadequate", and "incapable" he or she is. 

It can take years of therapy to silence the Inner Critic. The good news is that there are things you can do about it and in today's video  I give you 4 strategies you can start putting into practice now.

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Your Exceptional Qualities

People that have been abused by a malignant narcissist end up blaming themselves for not having boundaries, not being assertive enough, being too giving, too nice, being weak, not enough, defectiveWhen in reality that's exactly what the abuser wants you to believe, and then, in turn, morph into that (gaslighting 101

In today's video I wanted to give voice to the qualities that a predator personality looks for in a target. 

Someone with a cluster B personality disorder, will use and abuse a target's resilience for example, until there's not much left to get supply from. 

Attributes like empathy, hope for the future, hope for the abuser's future to be exact, kindness, altruism, and intelligence, are all necessary ingredients for an abundant and long lasting "supply". Narcissists don't look for weak people, they want someone that will remain in the relationship, no matter what.

I tend to get a bit crossed with the injustice of these issues so you may find that the video will be more representative of that wired up side of me 😊 


Saturday, July 13, 2019

5 Manipulation Tactics That Narcissists Use

"Dripping water hollows out stone, not through force, but through persistence." -Ovid, 0034-

1) Dripping 

I singled out this manipulation tactic all by myself, thank you very much... and called it dripping because, like Ovid, I've witnessed the power of persistence. 

Persistence used in a productive way is so powerful and amazingly positive. However, if one uses it to the detriment of others, it can be deadly.

Dripping would be your cult-like brainwashing repetition of calculated comments and ideas that are handcrafted to mold someone else's values, beliefs, and reality. Dripping happens over a long period of time.

This includes comments, said ever so subtly, about your friends, family or even about core values, and beliefs. Always purposefully trying to shift your perception on people, and ideas that usually are dear to you and that the narcissist really wants you to change. 
I believe this is how they try to change your reality and values.

Other ways this happens is by insisting on the same story that they want you to buy, which is 85 percent a lie. This is one of the ways they recruit flying monkeys.

Another example of this happens when narcissists engage in Parental Alienation which is incredibly damaging to children and would deserve a blog post of its own. 

The rest of the tactics I mentioned in the video  were defined in the book "In Sheep's Clothing" by Dr. George Simon. I recommend this book if you are interested in learning more about these issues.

2) Reality Distortions (Lying by Omission and Lying by Avoiding Details)

3) Playing the Victim and Vilifying the Victim

4) Projecting the Blame.

5) Diversion.

Friday, July 5, 2019


Love for the self: easy to understand, more difficult to get. 

Good news though. Building self-esteem is a process and you can always work on yourself and get more of it!

How to build it then? 

Well, start by watching the video below

One thing is for sure. You'll leave the video being more assertive thanks to the amazing Virginia Satir, who also wrote about the thinking behind assertiveness, and said just what we needed to hear in order for us to really own it.

Some therapists swear by mirror work. A movement led by the super smart and equally sweet Louise Hay.

Others, like Martin Seligman, who discovered learned helplessness,  have a completely different view of what makes a person have good self-esteem. 

"I believe that self esteem is just a meter that reads out the state of the system. It is not an end in itself. When you are doing well in school or work, when you are doing well with the people you love, when you are doing well in play, the meter will register high. When you are doing badly, it will register low."

Nathaniel Branden, the author of Six Pillars of Self Esteem  believes that self-esteem is...

"...the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It's the confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think."

Whichever is your favorite definition, I hope you'll find the tools you need to start your self- esteem building journey.

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Overcome Cognitive Dissonance

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by two conflicting beliefs regarding a decision you need to make?

That's cognitive dissonance

In the case of targets of abuse this is exponentially worse if we add the traumatic bond issue to the equation.

Last week I received quite a few questions regarding this issue through my Facebook page, my email and also DMs on Instagram. I thought I had to make this video

This is a very common situation to be in. 

A highly narcissistic person loves to play the blaming game and spends actual time of the day creating "semi real" pity ploys. That's just how they roll.

So it doesn't come as a surprise when targets of abuse come to therapy concerned about being narcissists themselves!

People that are currently struggling to understand whether they are in an abusive relationship or not, or even if they are themselves narcissistic will benefit from today's video.

Take care!


Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Tips for Co Parenting with a Highly Narcissistic Person

Co parenting with a narcissist is a devastating reality for many moms around the globe. Devastating because any type of interaction with these covert passive aggressive predators will leave a toll on your emotional health.

And yet, you have to deal with them.

What is the Grey Rock Technique?

It consists of presenting yourself as boring as a rock: emotionless, and uninteresting.


So that the narcissist won't be able to get supply from you. Supply being your emotions, your attention, your concern for them, pity, anger, and so on. Supply is the reason why abusers abuse. 

Maintaining their grandiosity takes a lot of work for them. They make up stories of injustice, presenting themselves as victims, they distort the truth, and other manipulation tactics that provoke a range of emotions in the victim. 

When they finally achieve their goal, which is to make the victim feel devalued, angry and confused, that's when their grandiosity levels rise back up. 

Victim feels devalued, abuser feels "more than". 

When they get finally obtain the attention, positive or negative, from the victim, again, they regulate their psychological state. So any emotion that you interchange is "food" for the abuser.

The Grey Rock technique is a good alternative for when No Contact is not one hundred percent possible.

Thursday, June 13, 2019

What Happens to Victims of Narcissistic Abuse After It's Over ?

Most survivors of abuse feel inadequate and weird because they are experiencing feelings that are completely foreign to the person they used to be. 

They also seek to understand what has happened to them and what they are experiencing after the abuser is gone.

In today's video 

  • What is CPTSD? 
  • What are Flashbacks?
  • What are Triggers?
  • What is Dissociation? 
  • What are the symptoms?
Complex PTSD is what can happen to victims of Narcissistic Abuse after enduring abuse and gaslighting from their partners or family during a long period of time. Survivors of cults and prisoners of war are included in this category of PTSD.

It usually involves continuous reliving of the traumatic events through Flashbacks that can last minutes, hours or days.

CPTSD happens as a consequence of enduring psychological trauma that is chronic and repeated in time and that is inescapable for the victim. 

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Mental Health Tips

Recovery or not, these tips I explain in today's video will help you live a more rounded and healthy life. If you are interested in growing as a person, evolving into a psychologically healthier individual, then have a watch! 

Narcissistic abuse is extremely damaging: physically and psychologically. Yes physically as well!

There are many physical changes that take place that are not that obvious to the untrained eye. 

At a brain level, psychological abuse causes the hippocampus to shrink and victims experience short term memory loss, a huge disconnect from their emotions and a LOT of brain "fog".

Narcissistic abuse can also cause weight gain, hormonal imbalance, and gut problems. Of course stress is to blame for this. 

It's such a stressing environment for victims that they can develop CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) which can take a long time to subside even with professional help.

I will be explaining what CPTSD is in future videos. Stay tuned!

Saturday, June 1, 2019

Raising Awareness

I usually upload videos every Wednesday but since today is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness day I thought I'd go over:

  • What is Normal or Healthy Narcissism
  • What is Narcissistic Abuse 

If you want to help raise awareness of this type of invisible abuse I'd be very grateful if you could subscribe, like and share the video!

Thank you for reading this blog!

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

The Covert Aggressive and Silence Used as a Manipulation Technique

Someone asked me recently if covert narcissists use silence as a manipulation technique. My answer is yes! they do. 

This is a manipulation tactic that is usually used in combination with many others such as lying, denial, and withholding, to name a few.

They do lie an awful LOT, deny things they said or did, or are doing at that moment, and they also withhold information constantly. The tricky thing is that you only find out they were lying after the abuse has taken place, maybe even way after you leave the relationship, or after they discard you.

They also do silent treatments where they don't talk to their partner. This is done with the intent of controlling the victim even more, and keeping him or her waiting for the narcissist to talk to them, completely confused and devalued. The victim is therefore engaged in an unending loop of worry and misunderstandings providing the narcissist with continuous narcissistic supply.

More on this in today's new video.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Feeling the Feels Heals

**Amazing Comics by Joan Chan @justcomics_official in Hong Kong.  Follow Her on Instagram!

Have you ever noticed how after a good old session of crying you feel better, lighter?

There's a biological reason for that where we get rid of pent up adrenaline, and other stress hormones which produces an analgesic effect.

But psychologically it's also always a good idea to have a good cry. It's important to "feel the feels" quite regularly. We could face major "volcanic eruptions" of feelings if we don't pay mindful attention at what we are feeling.

Here's the link to today's video in case you want to know "Why does the Narcissist Flaunt his or her new partner?"

Thursday, May 16, 2019

How to Break Learned Helplessness.

Have you ever felt stuck? 

Sometimes we do have a pretty good idea of what we should be pursuing or doing but we just can't move forward. It's as if we are frozen. 

This happens a lot with victims of abuse. 

Any type. Emotional, physical, sexual.

This behavior is a psychological phenomenon called learned helplessness that was discovered by Martin Seligman in 1972 when he was conducting a series of experiments with dogs.

This reaction to an incoherent and adverse environment is ONE of the many things that makes it so hard for victims of abuse to move on. 

If you want to learn more about this and how to overcome it you can do so by following THIS link to the video.

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

Empaths, Codependents, HSPs & The Dynamic With Narcissists.

Although the dynamic and definition of each concept is explained in today's video I wanted to let you know that if you consider yourself to be in any of these categories: Empath, Highly Sensitive Person, or Codependent, you can always work to feel better in your own skin and change those behaviors that are not serving you.

These three types share one key gift. Empathy. They have the power to make people feel good and I believe it's what we all need more of on this earth.

The good news is also that, unlike narcissism, highly empathic people tend to be great candidates for therapy. This means that you can always work on changing certain behaviors that don't bring you health and wellbeing. 

Would you consider yourself to be highly empathic?

Thursday, May 2, 2019

" How Can I Resist a Hoover? " & Other Interesting Questions From My Viewers...

Hi! I hope you're having a stress free end of the week. 

I thought I'd tell you about my viewers on YouTube. They are really awesome and leave the most intelligent questions I could ever imagine. Really!

Some of them know so much about this that I'm sometimes speechless after reading the comments and only one word comes to mind: "WOW". :D

Anyhow... In today's video I answer some of the questions that came up in my last Hoovering video. 

Oh and regarding the question in the title of this blogpost, "How Can I Resist a Hoover", let me tell you this... 

You can definitely resist a hoover and here's how:

  1. Having a good support system.Friends, family, groups of people that are supportive (for a change...)
  2. Getting counseling? That'd help a lot because you'd begin to take your life back and realize how this person doesn't deserve an inch of your attention.
  3. Engaging in self care, prioritizing YOU. More on that every Friday on my Instagram.
  4. Learning about Narcissism and the dynamics of an abusive relationship.

Thursday, April 25, 2019

The Arrogant Chameleon Syndrome

A chameleon is a reptile that has the ability to change color to match its surroundings in order to avoid detection.

Similarly, the malignant narcissist and the psychopath will morph into whatever it's needed at the time for him or her to achieve his or her goal which usually involves flying under the radar of those being abused.

It's noteworthy how trying to have an adult conversation with a disordered individual of the sort about the fact that will prove they are in the wrong is like trying to reason with a brick wall. There's just no trace of remorse or guilt or emotion there, nothing like that at all.  

What they'll do instead is divert the conversation to more neutral grounds or just simply blame YOU for it!

Rabon, 2006 says: "confronting the pathological person with facts and details that are contrary to his assertions is like nailing jell-o to a wall"

There are other ways these folks maneuver to avoid detection that are explained in this video  !

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Post Traumatic Growth

Although today's video gives a detailed description of what covert narcissism is and what a victim of this type of abuse endures, I felt like writing about a more inspiring side of narcissistic abuse which is: post traumatic growth.

Post Traumatic Growth is a positive psychological change experienced as a result of adversity and other challenges in order to rise to a higher level of functioning.These circumstances represent significant challenges to the adaptive resources of the individual, and pose significant challenges to their way of understanding the world and their place in it. Post traumatic growth involves "life-changing" psychological shifts in thinking and relating to the world, that contribute to a personal process of change, that is deeply meaningful. 
Source: Wikipedia

I believe post traumatic growth is the light at the end of the tunnel for victims of narcissistic abuse and for victims of any type of abuse or tragedy. 

This is basically why I absolutely love what I do and being a counselor. I believe wholeheartedly that these things definitely happen in life, but we have a very hard and difficult choice to make. We have to decide whether this will destroy us or it will be the push we need to step it up and grow exponentially: emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

Overcoming a tragedy, or abuse for that matter, is a devastating event. We feel lost, alone, empty, hopeless. 

For a while it's very hard to find our way. But with just enough help we are able to move past it and, believe it or not, understand that this was a disguised opportunity to evolve. 

You may not see it this way and you may be rolling your eyes as you read this right now. But I believe that if you work consistently to recover and heal you will agree with me soon enough.

You can take my word for it. It comes a time when you talk about these issues and are able to smile and appreciate what a long way you've come. 

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

"Why do narcissists come back after the discard?"

Hoovering is a term used to describe highly narcissistic people going back to old sources of supply. The victim is re idealized and love bombed in order to hook the person back into the cycle of abuse. 

Hoovering refers to the vacuum cleaner and is representative of how they suck you back in after no contact.

I was asked this exact questions many times so I'm answering it in today's video: "Why do they come back after they discarded me?"

Sunday, April 7, 2019

Develop a Warrior Mentality

Hello on a Sunday! 👋 👋 

I hope this post finds you well and recharged for the week ahead. If not, you still have time to do some self care practices. 

Breathe deeply...or relax and read a book, or... go for a walk...anything that you enjoy. Do this for at least half an hour and you will definitely feel better!

Now, let's move on to today's recommendation. 

If you have to remain in contact with a highly narcissistic person you may want to incorporate this concept to your every day life: A Warrior Mentality. Especially if you are coparenting.

A warrior mentality implies that we will protect all that we love and hold sacred.

A warrior mentality involves strength when things get difficult, being relentless in the pursuit of boundaries, mental health and self-care. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual self-care. 

This video series will be about anticipating typical behaviors that toxic people engage in and how knowing what to expect will reduce the damaging consequences of this conduct. I

In this video: communicating with a toxic person. What to expect?

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

How to Respond to Victims of Narcissistic Abuse.

One of the worst things a victims of abuse can go through, besides being abused, is being re-victimized by people that are supposed to protect them: a friend, a family member, a lawyer.

But what's even worse, and way more damaging, is when this re-victimization comes from the therapist. When this happens it could delay the recovery for years. I've had clients that said that their previous therapist even did couples therapy with their former partner, for years! Working on the victim's "communication problems".

This is extremely damaging and should stop. One of the most important things a victim of abuse needs, if not the single most important one, is validation. The victim is continuously portrayed as guilty, bad, or is continuously wronged by the abuser. The last thing he or she needs is to feel guilty or wrong again in therapy.

More on this in today's video.

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Do they really have no empathy? Personality Disorders.

Empathy is the ability to understand and feel what the other person is going through. The ability to put yourself in other people's shoes is essential for our survival as a species. It's a pro social quality. 

The problem comes when a person only has cognitive empathy to the detriment of affective (emotional) empathy.   

This is very common in cluster B personality disorders. 

However, in this video I explain why I don't agree with the idea that narcissists have NO empathy at all. And we look at empathy in Histrionic PD, and Borderline PD. 

Malignant Narcissists who are well known for being the least likely to put themselves in somebody else's shoes, they too have some kind of empathy. The cognitive one. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to manipulate others so well.

They need the ability to understand others so that they can obtain what they are after: narcissistic supply. 

Sounds creepy, and it really is, but they use it (cognitive empathy) to their own advantage. Very narcissistic and damaging to others, indeed!

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Drained Energy After Narcissistic Abuse. How to get it back?

This is where your own journey begins. It is time of letting go of the darkness the negativity and criticism. It's time to take care of you, put yourself on the map for once. You will need your energy, from now on.

You have been conditioned to not think about you. You are always thinking and working for the psychopath.  Always walking on egg shells. What will they criticize today, what will I do wrong today? What will they need from me. The moment you realize that you exist, that your voice is important, that you occupy space too on the planes, it's one of the best feelings.

So. Let's assume you are free from the psychopath or narcissist. That is a lot. In and of itself. Hats off. Well done. Don't be afraid of realizing that you were a victim. It's the first step towards getting your energy back.

If you want to start your recovery process with the right foot then no contact is your friend. Reduce all communications. Everything. Social media, phone, text, whatsapp, everything.

If you have children e-mails will do. Sometimes the phone is a good alternative but in my experience communicating by phone especially at the beginning is too much contact, and that can make you go back to square one in a second during this initial phase.

Your identity is not there anymore. It's a memory of who you used to be. You doubt yourself a lot, you may even feel numb, and almost every night (at 2 or 3 am maybe?) your inner critic pays a visit reminding you of the narcissist's judgement, false accusations and emotional neglect that you endured for months, years, decades.

Let go of that darkness.


It takes time and work.

1) No Contact

2) Learn about narcissism, abusive behaviors, manipulative techniques. Learn about what happened to you. Read Psychopath Free by Jackson Mc. Kenzie and In Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon.

3) Treat your CPTSD symptoms in therapy.

4) Mindfulness. I released a video with exercises you can do to be more aware of the present moment.

5) Self care. If you are angry. Feel it. Be angry. If you can express it through a sport or go for a walk in nature, release that anger, write it down. Writing this will help you in the future if you ever have doubts and you start projecting your own goodness onto the abuser and only remembering the good times. This journal that you wrote while angry will keep you real, grounded, and  will remind you of all the abuse you went through and endured.

Eat healthily. Eat protein in the morning. And reduce caffein intake. Maybe just have one coffee in the morning and that's it. Drink lots of water. That helps you flush your system of cortisol the stress hormone. Do Yoga. It's been proven to reduce the effects of abuse on the amygdala.

Work on your self esteem, work on deconstructing how you ended up with a psychopath. Look at the red flags. Again. Dr Simon's book In Sheep's Clothing is a great resource.

Time and self care will help you regain your energy. All these things together, exercise.

But remember before all this to be compassionate with yourself. You've been deeply violated. This is a violation of the spirit. Your innocence, your trust has been corrupted. You have seen darkness and decadence. You have given everything until there was nothing more. You need to care for your self like you've never done it before. Train. Train your mind. Train your body with mild exercise.

Reach out for your friends, your friends of life. Those that stood by you through thick and thin. If you are lucky you have one or maybe two. If not a member of your family. And if not. Go to survivor meetings in your area. Go to counseling.

I assure you with the help of all those things you will find your self again. Different. Never the same. More mature, less innocent but even more compassionate, and empathic than ever before. You will be evolved enough to give your superpowers of empathy and love and kindness only to those who have proved to you that they are worthy of your empathy, love and kindness.

Friday, March 1, 2019

5 Mindfulness Exercises

*Today's Video

Mindfulness is being in the present moment without judging. 

This awareness is the basis of a different state of consciousness, and is used in therapy to treat PTSD, CPTSD, anxiety and depression.

Mindfulness seems easy by definition. At first it's difficult to put the monkey mind to rest but soon enough you'll go back to it whenever you need to calm down, relax or focus. 

What is Mindfulness?

"Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally." -Jon Kabat-Zin

In 1970 psychologist Jon Kabat Zin developed Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) to treat his patients. 

He run tests on buddhist monks who are well known for their meditation capabilities and neurologists found impressive results. 

It's widely known among scientist and therapists that there's a positive correlation between mindfulness and wellbeing.

The first exercise will introduce you to mindfulness. It's where all the other variations stem from: Your breath. 

When in doubt always go back to your breath.

1) Breathe Mindfully

Find a comfortable position. 

Focus your attention on your breathing. What does it feel like? Listen to the sound.

Bring attention to your belly. Feel it rise and expand when you inhale. Feel your belly fall every time you exhale.   

Continue to focus on your breathing.

Whenever thoughts come up and you notice your attention drift away, acknowledge that thought and let it go like a cloud in the sky. 

Go back to your breathing.

2) Conscious Observation 

Choose an object. Any object. A cup of tea, a pen. Any object at hand. 

Now let it absorbe your complete attention. Just observe. Being conscious of what you are looking at gives you a sense of being aware.

Now observe how the mind frees itself of thoughts and focuses on the present moment.

You can practice this exercise using your ears as well. Close your eyes and listen. What sounds are present in the room?

3) Body Scan

4) Count to Ten

Center your attention on counting. 1,2,3... If you loose concentration and thoughts interfere start again.

What usually happens is this "1,2,3..I forgot to call Margaret" "1,2,3, I need to buy milk" "There comes a thought again..." 1,2,3 

Seems easy but it is not! ha!

5) Sit Down and Observe Your Thoughts

This is a good exercise for people that are very stressed and busy and can't focus on breathing long enough.

Just sit down. And don't try to eliminate or let go of thoughts. Simply observe them when they come up. Don't get involved with them. 

Notice your thoughts as if you were an outside observer: "Ok, now I'm thinking about my meeting with Carol tomorrow" 

Enjoy the weekend!

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

How Narcissists Erode Your Personality

Everything starts with mirroring, and idealization.

You sacrificed yourself trying to absorb every bit of guilt the abuser throws at you in order to maintain the relationship as it was before.

You then were discarded like a bag of trash in a matter of days.You are left alone, guilty, feeling drained and very confused. Your identity gone. 

How did this happen?

1) Gaslighting 

A very harmful manipulative technique. It is relentless, long term. Also known as Crazy Making.

They devalue your opinions, ignore them or deny them. They accuse you of being completely crazy, jealous or of being guilty of everything.

They deny things they promised, or events that happened. "I never said that" or "That never happened".

They create a situation of anger within the victim for others to witness so that they can later on accuse you of overreacting, or of being jealous, or of having "anger management issues".

They hide things, deny they ever did what you know they did, or they even destroy signed papers telling you that you never did signed them.

They tell you "you see things that are not there" they make you doubt your memory

They try to isolate you while they accuse you of isolating them

This is so ridiculous and out there. Normal innocent people wouldn't even think that someone, who by the way may be a relative a partner or a friend, could ever do this intentionally so the victim of gaslighting ends up believing what the abuser is saying creating terrible damage to their self esteem, eroding bit by bit the identity of the victim.

This creates a complete mess. Survivors have to work on themselves once they've left the relationship to regain their stolen identity and self esteem, self worth, self trust and self respect.

2) Everything is About the Abuser 

Your world revolves around every need, cry, sob story, pity ploy, victim playing, or new whim of the psychopath.

Your agenda is long gone and forgotten. In fact you forgot you had a right to have one. That you have a right to even express your needs or ideas.  The abuser's twisted mind sees you as an object. Everything revolves around the manipulator. By then your world view is so distorted by the constant complains and projections that you are flooded with constantly, that you start to internalize the guilt that the abuser makes sure you feel.  And then your self esteem goes on a downward spiral with feelings of inadequacy and of being less than because anything you do is never enough to fulfill the abuser's needs, who makes a point of letting you know that you are not doing enough ever. Meanwhile the devalue phase is operating in full. The abuser will ignore you, leave you guessing, feeling like you now became a detective trying to see what is happening. You now not only turned into a desperate investigator which you never were before but you feel awful for doing things that were unacceptable before. Your identity eroded a little more.

Sometime along the way you realize there's nothing else you can do and that's where the already mapped out discard is imminent. To the victim this is a complete surprise but we know it's part of the cycle of abuse. It was planned long ago but the devalue phase is so much fun for the narcissist who is enjoying every bit of your desperate effort to please them.

3) Reality Twisting.

The abuser twists your reality bit by bit. A methodically planned execution that takes patience and time. These personalities will go to the extent of bending your perceptions, your beliefs and everything that makes you you.

Suddenly you are not as independent as you were before. You no longer take pride in your kindness and open mindedness. You are unable to grasp why you now are plagued with guilt, shame and feelings of not being enough, "I'm not ok" Everybody else is Ok but me kind of mentality. The crazy part is that you always took pride in your independence, your happiness, your positivity. Now all of that is gone.

Your identity eroded. Stolen. The psychopath took your empathic gifts and tried to internalize them. He steels them but they don't stick. The abuser may even use your gifts when their chameleonic personalities require them to groom other victims but they need more. Constantly. From other sources as well. Because nothing is never enough.

Meanwhile your reality is what the abuser worked hard to instill in you. Pessimism, disgust, negativity, judgement.

What to do?

By now they discarded you if you realized what they were doing all along. If not you need to leave. Regain your identity. Go to therapy. Work on your self esteem. Self care to show yourself that you are worth the time and attention.  Learn about psychopathy and narcissism. Start your journey, your own agenda. Re discover yourself. You will go through a journey similar to the ave phoenix a rebirth of an even better, wiser and more caring spirit.

References: Iñaki Piñuel "Amor Zero"and "Psychopath Free" Jackson MacKenzie