How to Break a Traumatic Bond

Today's video

We develop bonds when we relate to others. Healthy bonds are strong. Traumatic bonds are stronger. 

Trauma bonding is the normal reaction of the human brain when faced with abuse.


Trauma bond & Stockholm Syndrome

A traumatic bond occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.

Intermittent reinforcement is one of the strongest approaches to ensure certain behaviors are repeated.

A traumatic bond can be stronger than a healthy bond.  It is established when an abuser exposes their partner to mixtures of kindness and meanness. It is inconsistent and therefore behaviorally very reinforcing to the target.

Victims of abuse stay not because they are irrational but because they are trauma bonded. This traumatic bond can take a huge toll on the victim's health for example health induced eccema, high blood pressure, gut problems.

Stockholm Syndrome: it's a psychological response where a captive person begins to identify closely with his or her captors, as well as with their agenda and demands.

The name of the syndrome derives from a bank robbery that occured in 1973 in Stockholm, Sweden. Four employees were held captive in the bank's vault for 6 days. During that time a hostage stated that she fully trusted her captor. They were good to us ... they gave us water all this while they were wrapped in dynamite.

"The bond is initially formed when a captor threatens a captive's life, deliberates, and then chooses not to kill the captive's life. The captive's relief at the removal of the death threat is transposed into feelings of gratitude toward the captor for giving him or her life. It takes only a few days for this bond to cement..." Source Encyclopedia Britannica

"The survival instinct is at the heart of the Stockholm Syndrome. Victims live and enforced dependence on the captor and interpret rare or small acts of kindness as good treatment." 

Sounds familiar? Wait for this...they often become hypervigilant to the needs of the captors making psychological links between the captors happiness and their own.

This syndrome has since expanded from hostages to victims of abuse, domestic violence, prisoners of war, and abused children.


Why this happens and how this works.


Trauma bond happens because of a polarized flow of events. Too good vs extremely bad. One moment everything is great victims are flooded with kindness, love, and attention, the next moment or day,  they are neglected, there's silent treatment, abuse. 

These two extremes cause oxytocin release in the brain. Oxytocin also called the prosocial hormone, because it reacts to others, to the environment. It's the one involved in uterine contractions, and in milk ejection. Also in love, sex, hugs. It also acts as a neurotransmitter. Oxytocin has two different ways of acting when heightened: Calming and Anxiety provoking.

Ronda Freeman hypothesized that:

When partner is kind calming oxytocin receptors activate. (Anxiolytic)
When partner is mean anxiety oxytocin receptors activate. (Anxiogenic)

To this the brain adds the reward system of the brain, opioids dopamine and others that make you feel good when partner is kind. So then you add to this cognitive dissonance which is all the confusion and other factors as well. 

All this makes leaving extremely difficult and confusing for victims of abuse so it's not only reason. That is why people outside the relationship, family members, or friends don't really understand and can get frustrated to see how the friend puts up with the abuse and never leaves.

But now that you know this here's what you can do.

How to overcome a Traumatic Bond

1) Withdrawal. Like from a drug. The "oxytocin drug..."

How? No contact. Sustain no contact. Or minimal contact if you have children. The thing is the victim loves the abuser because he or she bought the lie at the beginning in the "love bombing phase" of the cycle of abuse. And it's completely normal. The dysfunctional thing is not loving back. The abuser never loved really, it's all a lie that they constructed to get narcissistic supply.

2) Get a replacement for the calming feel good oxytocin with good social contact. Good friends and family that understands. Even dogs are good at eliciting good oxytocin.

3) Find a good therapist, counselor or coach that specializes in this. Talk therapy is part of recovery.

4) Self Care.