On Waiting for Others to Change

Your Reality

Protecting your reality, and believing in it, can be a revolutionary concept when you are in an abusive relationship.

Narcissistic people rely on making you doubt yourself and on keeping you confused through manipulation. 

When it comes to making you doubt your reality the preferred weapon of choice is gaslighting, also known as "crazy making".

One of the first things you'll need to do when leaving an abusive relationship is to allow yourself to not believe.  Don't believe in the narcissist's invalidation, devaluation and lies.

Stop believing half truths. 

Believe in your reality.

It's your life. You are the one that knows best about your abilities, emotions, likes and dislikes.

You owe it to yourself.

Your Reality is Yours and no one else's.

Today's video was made for family and friends of targets of abuse. (English & Español)

Why Staying in an Abusive Relationship is Not Always About Codependency

In today's blog post I wanted to add my grain of sand and say that codependency is not always the reason for staying in a long term abusive relationship. 

Especially when it comes to covert narcissists.

We could say that in many cases adaptability is the main contributing factor.

Being adaptable and determined to make a marriage work, putting your kids first, wanting to help a partner with apparent "issues", and believing that everything is possible... that is until you learn that narcissists don't change.

Staying for the greater good of the family, taking one for the team, or sacrificing our own happiness for the sake of the children, in the end is not the best choice, but nevertheless it happens a lot. And this is not codependency. This is something else.

It's about loyalty, upbringing, personality types, culture, and deeply rooted beliefs. 

More on that in today's video!
English here and Castellano here.

Setting The Wheels in Motion

This is my pic from summer in Patagonia 😍

Procrastination in Toxic Families.

When narcissistic parents criticize, or make hopeless remarks about a child's every initiative to action  this creates the unconscious belief, in the adult child, that "nothing is worth trying, why bother" or that "if I try, something bad (very-bad-don't-know-exactly-what-but-very-bad!) will happen".

Why?

Because this child's experience who may be an adult now shows that when you express feelings, opinions and take actions that are not in accordance with the narcissistic parent agenda, you'll get a negative reaction. It could be extreme criticism, devaluation, ridicule, or even being systematically ignored.

What Kind of Actions are "not in accordance with the narcissistic parent"?

Anything that doesn't serve that parent. 

For example: self love, self compassion, working for your goals, your future, your dreams. 

Dreams are devalued as stupid, dumb or impossible, and goals are crushed with criticism.

If you have been struggling to unstuck and want to stop procrastinating, you may need to reparent your inner child. 

Watch today's video and start to consider the possibility of setting the wheels in motion. English & Spanish. 

Every Discard Has a Silver Lining

Photo credit Lukas Rodriguez pexels.com

The Narcissistic Discard is cruel, callous and usually unexpected. Emotions like abandonment, and rejection keep us wondering what just happened. 

There's also a prevalent feeling of betrayal that is extremely difficult to shake off. Betrayal of a relationship agreement, the betrayal of trust but not just in the partner but in people. 

When it comes to narcissism, the gaslighting and manipulation that the target has already endured by the time the discard happens is so intense that in order to heal, victims will need a new paradigm, a world view change.

However painful, the lesson it teaches you is that the discard is also a blessing.

You are now free of abuse. You are free. And that is a rebirth. The start of a new, more peaceful, and fun (may I add) life.

Find more on this in today's video. English & Spanish

Devaluation: The Boiling Frog Syndrome

Like the unsuspecting frog who is progressively boiled to death, targets of covert narcissists can be oblivious of the devaluation that happens in the cycle of abuse.

Some examples of the devaluation phase include: back handed compliments, devaluing comments, gaslighting, cheating, telling half truths, and giving the silent treatment.

These behaviors are a sample of the discard phase and represent a window into the true self of the narcissist.

For more information please watch today's video! English & Spanish.

A Covert Narcissist Love Bombing Style

We usually hear stories about love bombing that include last minute trips to Paris, unexpected gifts, nice restaurants dinners, chocolates, and flowers. This is the overt narcissist way. 

The covert narcissist style is very different. It can feel like you are connecting with a very attentive person. Someone who is making you feel heard. In fact, you are. However the purpose of the attention is only to gather information about you. It's not out of genuine interest and intimacy. The goal for the covert narcissist is clear. Get data, it will be useful later on. 

There's another component that has to do with how the covert narcissist plays a very believable victim. I explain this in more detail in today's video. 

(English & Español) 

This is Gaslighting: Systemic Racism

Watch the Systemic Racism Explained video here.

I lived in the US for 4 years. Growing up in Argentina I had travelled to the U.S. as a tourist more times than I can count. With my parents, as a kid, and as an adult on my own. I turned 18 in the most beautiful little town called Tollhouse, in California, during my 3 month stay as an exchange student. I absolutely loved it! 

I'd always admired the U.S. capacity for getting, things, done. Walt Disney World! The airport and its modern infrastructures and spaciousness. The U.S. Postal Services and how quick and reliable it was compared to Argentinian postal services at the time. Perfect highways and streets, gorgeous neighborhoods, shops and malls where you could get anything you can possibly want or need. I saw the US as this giant that gave job opportunities to so many people from all over the world.

I now believe that after graduating from Georgia State University I must have had cognitive dissonance. 

 

On one hand I had obtained my Masters degree and was blown away by the University and how much I'd learned about Counseling and about the US as a society.

9/11 terrorist attack unveiled highly empathic U.S. citizens reaching out to people in need. I witnessed compassion and a deep sense of community and solidarity. 

On the other hand, for the first time in decades the "omnipotent" imperious giant was vulnerable and afraid. Fear is not the best companion, you know?. It can make very bad decisions. I also saw how racism and xenophobia graduated from covert to a politically correct status during that time. 

The US had a big elephant in the room and its existence was being denied. 

Years later black people are still discriminated, mistreated, invalidated and ignored because of their skin color. Back then my teenage self was outraged and frustrated with that idea at the time. My adult self could not stand it. It was unsettling, unbearably suffocating. I remember feeling off whenever I stayed for too long in Atlanta without going back to my imperfect Buenos Aires to recharge batteries during Christmas break. I felt that a big part of the population in this previously idealized giant had a huge tacit flaw: narrow mindedness, grandiosity, shallowness, prejudice, ignorance and lack of empathy. 

Now I know this is gaslighting. This is abuse. 

The Oldest Hoovering Trick in the Book

Future Faking

Making promises that won't really happen in the end, in order to get what someone wants. 

The only goal in the case of a relationship with a narcissist is to keep you in the relationship for as long as they want. If you are being hoovered future faking will happen. 

These assurances are based on info gathered during the idealization phase and throughout the relationship. 

It's about promising exactly what you want, or what you have been wanting for a long time.

Starting a family? 
A trip?
A job?
A loving wife?
A loving husband?
Respect ?
Loyalty?

You name it. 

Future faking is like a mirage. It looks nice but it's not real. 


Video in English & Video in Spanish. 

The Ultimate Lie

Narcissistic mothers are manipulative, deceiving, cold, neglectful, yet some times over controlling, boundary braking, and very good actors! They specifically thrive on switching the victim role on, in the blink of an eye.

More on the 10 signs of a Narcissistic Mother here (English) and here (Spanish)

How to get out of the confusion and of guilt driven obligations?

It starts with understanding that children of narcissistic mothers have been lied to from the very beginning. 

Where they believe to be worthless and lazy, maybe even unlovable, less than, and incapable, there's a convenient big fat lie. 

Why?

Because it is easier to control a person that thinks too little of him or herself. The child must believe her condition of inferiority and ineptitude in order to obey every narcissistic whim. 

Children have to believe this lie in order to attach to a narcissistic parent. When they are adults this ends up being their attachment style with other adults which is often translated into codependent behaviors.

Luckily therapy can help undo the damage and it can be very successful in doing so.


If you need a consultation with me contact me here 

Unconditional Love? For Whom?

Unconditional love for you.

Unconditional love for your kids.

That's my answer!

Happy Valentine's Day... belated. 

Link to "Respect Yourself Video"

Amor Incondicional para quienes?

Para vos.

Y para tus hijos.

Esa es mi respuesta!

Felíz día de San Valentín ( atrasado :)

Link para el video sobre "Respetate..."

Time to Respect Yourself

Today's video (in English and in Spanish) is about the Double Bind Theory and how to identify ways in which abusive people twist your reality in order to... well, yup, abuse you.

But since I explained all this in the videos I wanted to write today about a more positive and uplifting thought that I believe could help you get out of the crazy, disengage from the soul sucking dynamic of drama!

Center yourself in gratitude.

Bring your attention back to you.

Leave the craziness behind for a moment and breathe.

Feeling good, calm, and in peace can be your normal state as you go through challenges, work, happy times, and life.

Connect with what makes you happy, what is joyful to you, with cool challenges ahead, with your self care discipline.

Don't let energy sucking vampires extract your supply.

Veer away from drama and engage in normal, coherent, congruent and true.

That's all for today!

See you soon!

Hope

I wrote this Instagram Post the other day inspired by questions like the following:

"Will I ever feel like myself again?" "Can you actually overcome CPTSD?"

One of the many symptoms of C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is feelings of hopelessness. (Blog post on CPTSD here!)

Believe it or not. You will feel content again, or maybe even for the first time. 

Keep working for it. It's like everything else in life. Where you put the effort and attention that's where you will see positive changes. 

Do not expect this to happen faster than it should. We all have different things to work through and it takes time. 

Know that you will overcome it but be warned, once you heal and evolve you become a 2.0 version of yourself. Which is pretty cool if you ask me.

New videos about "Guilt and Hoovering" below in English and in Spanish.

One Of The Most Important Things To Understand About Narcissism

A One Person Cult

Being in a narcissistically abusive relationship is very much like being in a cult.

Once you digest this piece of information you begin to understand what happened and then the pieces of the puzzle start fitting together.

One of the pieces of the puzzle is why you sometimes doubt wether you are the narcissist or not. 

"Am I The Narcissist?" Find 3 reasons why you may be feeling like you are more narcissistic than before in today's video and stick to the end to learn more about the similarities between cults and narcissistic abuse.

Love bombing is an expression that comes from a cult, "the Moonies" would love bomb their victims to seduce them and gain more members.

Brainwashing is another one! Erasing your identity, your individuality and your own values and ideas about the world in order to mold them to what a cult wants/needs you to believe.

Tactics like putting people into a trance (aka dissociating) out of, for example, exhaustion in order to instill ideas into their minds are some other manipulative tactics cults use. 

Sounds familiar?

Being in an abusive relationship has a lot in common with being in a cult. 

I'll let you process that for now.

For more on this watch today's video!

Miss Me... Miss Me Not

Hi 👋it's me again!

Last week a viewer of my videos wanted to know if the narcissistic ex partner missed her. 

I sensed some cognitive dissonance with a dash of hoovering weakness in her comment :/ so I thought a video addressing that question was in order. 

Watch the video here. 

For the record, cognitive dissonance is a very confusing state to be in. It can be, not only psychologically, but physically painful to not be able to decide what's really going on. 

When two conflicting beliefs are sustained at the same time we need one thing above all: objective thinking based on facts.

Easier said than done though, right?

I hope this video helps in that department!






Hola, soy yo otra vez 👋 !

La semana pasada me preguntaron si era posible que los narcisistas extrañen a sus ex parejas.

Me pareció que una explicación iba a poder ayudar a reducir la disonancia cognitiva y la probabilidad de ceder a un intento de hoovering.

La disonancia cognitiva es un estado muy molesto y hasta puede verse reflejado físicamente. 

El sostener dos creencias opuestas al mismo tiempo hace que necesitemos claridad en el pensamiento y esto es con lo que intento ayudar en este video.

Espero que sea de utilidad!

Understand Narcissistic Envy & Regain Your Self Esteem

In the aftermath of narcissistic abuse the victim is left with a mixture of negative emotions, feelings and symptoms that linger even after reducing or eliminating contact with the abuser. 

These symptoms are: a loss of a previously joyful and empowered sense of self, pronounced loss of identity, acute low self-esteem, deep shame, and hopelessness.

In today's video: Narcissistic Envy, I explain one of the most powerful reasons why this happens for victims of narcissistic abuse, and how understanding this dynamic can help victims start feeling better about themselves.

Believe it or not this complex emotion is at the root of what drives narcissistic behavior.

P.S. Why You'd Benefit from Not Avoiding the Word "Victim".




En gran parte, lo que sufre una víctima luego del abuso narcisista, sobre todo encubierto, es una mezcla de sensaciones y síntomas que la acompañan incluso luego de haber reducido el contacto o luego de haber logrado el contacto cero.

Estos síntomas son: la pérdida de un sentido del yo que anteriormente era alegre, jovial y energético, pérdida de identidad, vergüenza patológica, baja autoestima y sensación de desesperanza profunda, entre muchos otros.

En el video de hoy: Envidia Narcisista, espero que encuentren un alivio para estos sentimientos tan marcados al entender porqué dentro de la comprensión de esta dinámica se encierra la clave para empezar a sentirse mejor.

Esta emoción es una de las causas principales de muchos de los comportamientos de una persona con altos niveles de narcisismo en su estructura de personalidad.

Communal Narcissists

Communal narcissists differ from other types of narcissists in that they get supply from a community.

In 2012 Jochen E. Gebauer and collegues saw that the communal narcissist satisfies the same "self-motives of grandiosity, esteem, entitlement, and power" as regular narcissists, "but in communal domains" 

Communal narcissists have a "saint-type bias" that allows for entitlement and grandiose self-views:

• "I am the most helpful person I know
• I am the most caring person in my social surroundings
• I am extraordinarily trustworthy" (Gebauer et al.)

Ironically, the belief that one is, "...the most caring person" in a "social surrounding.." doesn't go well with the original motives under which a community is formed. 

Community implies that its people have common characteristics. The idea behind creating a community is to work for a cause that is greater than each individual. Its purpose has nothing to do with showing that someone is "the most helpful" or "caring" person. 

However  this shouldn't come as a surprise knowing that narcissists are well known for twisting things around and destroying words like honor and altruism. 

Words definitely don't match true intentions when it comes to a communal narcissist.

More on this in today's video: 
English here Spanish here.

Why You Shouldn't Avoid the Word "Victim"

Realizing you were a victim is key to healing. It allows for self compassion and facilitates the grieving process.

The victim being codependent or less assertive, or even having a hard time setting boundaries does not excuse the narcissist from the abusive behavior.

One thing has nothing to do with the other. 

This is how disordered individuals relate to the world, regardless of the positive or negative qualities, strengths or weaknesses of the victim. 

Codependent or not, assertive or not, psychopaths and highly narcissistic people see others as objects to be used as long as that object brings valuable supply. When that is no longer the case then that object is discarded.

Today's video 

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics: 3 Rigid Roles Children Can Be Reduced Into

Being true-to-yourself is a luxury that's impossible to afford when it comes to children of dysfunctional families.

In the case of narcissistic families, where one or two parents are so inclined, children are forced into playing strict roles. If they'd fail to comply, the consequences of "rebellion" would be so negative that the child sees no other way but to reduce himself or herself to the imposed role. 

In today's video (English here, Spanish here) I explain 3 roles that are typical in a narcissistic family dynamic: the Scapegoat (or black sheep), the Invisible Child, and the Golden Child.

For many, realizing they have been caged in such rigid roles is the beginning of their healing work and freedom.

The Best Way to Deal With The Smear Campaign

Who'd have thought that the solution to a lot of problems is doing those things that are conducive to happiness?

In these 3 videos (below) today I talk about this in the face of a Smear Campaign. I also explain how to handle flying monkeys and the mindset that will help you understand that this so called smear campaign is short lived and unimportant.

In the first video you'll see why being happy is key and what are flying monkeys.

The second video explains the psychological mechanism that takes place when Narcissistic people gossip and feed lies to the flying monkeys.

And if you want to practice Spanish the third video is for you! 😊

See you there!