In therapy one of the most important things you can do is to learn to acknowledge and care for your inner child.
Jung's "eternal child", Freud's unconscious and the child within us, today's inner child is the force behind our actions, emotions, attractions, wants and needs.
Getting to know her means that you will start behaving more like you are parenting a real child. This includes an open communication, boundaries to yourself and to others, and providing structure while taking care of that inner child's needs in a way that will balance her creative energy, emotions, thirst for adventure and fun in life with healthy habits, responsibility, and maturity.
Experience is the best teacher. Sometimes it hurts but you just know that the lesson will be learned.
Brutal andeffective.
However, when you are young and indecisive about what path to take, good advice could potentially change your life for the better without having to go through the hurtful experience.
So here's my grain of sand.
When it comes to relationships, there's one concept that can guide you through decision making, and that's self-respect.
When in doubt go to self-respect.
Am I respecting myself by agreeing to certain decisions? Or by allowing certain behaviors? Am I respecting myself when I say yes when I really really really want to say no?
Self-respect means that you put yourself in the picture. Your wants and needs are very important and have to be heard. It also means that when your emotional needs aren't being taken into consideration, through action and true change, you have a right to start thinking about walking away. In fact, I hope you do so.
Bare with me while I present you with four videos! Two in English and two in Spanish. Spanish here & here. English here & here.
The main take from these videos is self-respect, stemming from self-esteem, self-love, and self worth. I hope you can, not only watch them, but take what YOU need from them.
Protecting your reality, and believing in it, can be a revolutionary concept when you are in an abusive relationship.
Narcissistic people rely on making you doubt yourself and on keeping you confused through manipulation.
When it comes to making you doubt your reality the preferred weapon of choice is gaslighting, also known as "crazy making".
One of the first things you'll need to do when leaving an abusive relationship is to allow yourself to not believe. Don't believe in the narcissist's invalidation, devaluation and lies.
Stop believing half truths.
Believe in your reality.
It's your life. You are the one that knows best about your abilities, emotions, likes and dislikes.
You owe it to yourself.
Your Reality is Yours and no one else's.
Today's video was made for family and friends of targets of abuse. (English & Español)
In today's videos (English & Castellano) you'll find specific indicators that will help you clarify how Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( or Response) differ.
When these two diagnoses get confused clients suffer. Getting the right treatment is key and for that you'll need the correct diagnosis.
If you are on the fence please find a Clinical Psychologist, or a Psychiatrist, and ask them for a formal diagnosis. Second opinions are always a good idea as well.
If you know you have BPD my recommendation is to find a DBT therapist. Dialectical Behavior Therapy's focus on behaviors, the balance between acceptance and change, skill building, mindfulness, and the regulation of emotions has proven to be the most effective therapy to treat DBT.
On the other hand, having symptoms of C-PTSD and being diagnosed with BPD can be just as damaging. These are very different disorders and should be treated as such. Although, like DBT, mindfulness, and the regulation of emotions are also part of the work to overcome C-PTSD the need for the whole DBT package becomes clear when dealing with a DBT client.
I hope this wasn't too specific but I got this question many times so I felt I needed to clarify!
Someone in the comments of my Spanish Speaking channel wanted to know how to manage anger so I made these videos. I hope you find them useful! English video here.
En los comentarios me pidieron que hable sobre como manejar el enojo entonces hice estos videos. Espero que los encuentren útiles! Video en Español aquí.
The narcissistic discard is cold, ruthless, and unexpected. It's not only about the ending of a relationship, or about infidelity. It's a traumatic experience that is foreign to normal people. This is another story. 1) It's about being used, tricked, gaslighted, manipulated, devalued, compared to new supply, triangulated, ignored, minimized, falsely accused, invalidated, subtly, covertly, and overtly, by the person you trusted. 2) All this while the narcissist is telling everyone else that he or she is the victim. Yup. Crazy stuff. Soap opera material. However weird, the discard has even one more layer of crazy.
3) For this betrayal to happen to the person that cared the most about the welfare of the narcissist represents the ultimate paradox.
The level of betrayal that a victim of narcissistic abuse is faced with is so different from what other people experience normally that regular terms and semantics end up being not enough. This is why victims of this type of abuse use terms such as love bombing, hoovering, gaslighting, flying monkeys, going grey rock, and word salad. Whether you spent a lifetime in a relationship with a covert narcissist, or a few months with a malignant narcissist the discard is the event you may have struggled with the most. However, if you are being discarded right now let me explain why it's not about you and let me help you understand. Please watch today's video here in English and here in Spanish.
This subclinical construct describes the dark side of humanity, or better yet, the darkness of some beings that live their regular daily lives amongst us. One of the most devilish ones, if not the most, personality constructs there is. It's a combination from hell. With a lethal ingredient: Machiavellianism. Psychopathy and Narcissism to start, followed by Machiavellianism, which adds the capacity to regulate impulse and postpone reward, strategize and plan without any empathy or regard for people thrown under the bus to achieve desired goals.
"The end justifies the means" kind of people.
So now you know, Star Wars' dark side would be the side where dark triads abound. Next time a movie villain goes "Muahahahahaha", think dark triad, and you won't be mistaken.
Why Do We Have Emotions? Because they are how we experience the world. They also have a key relevance in memory. If you remember something long term, more likely than not, it's because you felt something. You attached an emotion to that event.
Emotions, the so called "negative" and "positive" ones, function as our road map to health and well being, if we let them.
If you allow them to come up. If you don't repress them, deny them or bottle them. If you acknowledge them.
They will pass eventually, but before they do they'll leave you a precious gift.
Information.
Information about what you enjoy, what makes you suffer, what makes you feel proud, optimistic, and what makes you mad, distant or depressed. This gift opens up possibilities of change. The question is, what will you do with the information? I say listen to your emotions, talk to your therapist, evaluate possibilities. Make changes, explore. To quote Adriene "find what feels good." In today's video (English & Spanish) find the necessary steps to process emotions. I also give a personal example of how I dealt with some feelings of anxiety this past week!
Forgiving a narcissist is a personal decision that won't excuse the abuser for his or her actions.
Whatever you decidede, it will be the right thing to do for you.
It's about you and it's your right to decide what's best for you.
This has nothing to do with the abuser.
It's about you feeling better.
The paradox is that when you reach this point where you no longer care for vengeance, this loss of interest in the abuser that forgiveness implies ends up being the ultimate revenge.
It's a trap. Run! If the unconditional love request comes from a toxic partner, run! If it comes from a "normal" partner. Well, maybe talk about it (before running) because the healthy nature of your partner will hopefully allow for understanding and reasoning.
The idea of unconditional romantic love has always been a big Hollywood movies seller. The problem is that it's not applicable to reality. And more importantly. It's a big fat lie.
If you really do love your partner, would you expect him to love you no matter how little you work on the relationship? Would you expect her to love you in spite of your frequent lying? Or cheating? Or the particularly deafening silent treatment? Or the invalidation? Or the devaluation? I don't think so. Relationships take work. This type of work tends to be doable and will not compromise your values and beliefs. Nothing toxic. Unconditional love in a romantic relationship takes ALL the work and sucks ALL the life and health out of people. If your partner demands unconditional love make sure he or she understands that you are not a doormat, and that you don't give out free passes for abusive behavior. If he or she doesn't reason with you. Then you know what to do. Run! :) In my opinion, unconditional love is reserved for sons and daughters, unless they are narcissistic adult children, and yourself.
The other day I said on Instagram that I'd take questions, and answer them in a future video. Little did I know I'd get so many questions! The result? Two videos. One in English and the other one in Spanish. Half an hour long! So here they are. I hope you enjoy them!
Flashbacks are overwhelming feelings that bring us back to the "abandonment melange" (thank you Pete Walker for the accurate description) of fear, depression, and/or self-hate, self-disappointment, and self-abandonment. Trauma is felt in the body. So are flashbacks. Sometimes you know you are in a flashback. However, most of the time you don't know, and only realize you were in one the next day or even the week after. Mindfulness, yoga, tai-chi, and those types of practices that bring you back to the present moment will help you become aware of your emotions and feelings, as well as of your flashbacks. There are no easy answers for flashbacks. Befriend mindfulness. Keep track of your state. Manage your state. The healthier you are the better. Flashbacks tend to appear more and more when you are not exercising, eating unhealthy foods, and/or drinking alcohol. The reduction of flashbacks is a "manual" processthat requires intent, patience, and self-compassion. This process becomes "automatic" with practice. Learning about triggers, flashbacks, and dissociation is the first step.
Would you like to turn traumatic experiences that were awful, betraying, and unfair into a life with meaning, that is fun (yes!), and maybe even of service to others? To experience Post Traumatic Growth you will need:
Work on overcoming the traumatic situation you have been exposed to.
Find family or friends or a therapist that will have your back. And talk to them.
Feel emotions. Talk. Repeat.
Gather energy and strength from within you. Everyday. Like a worrier. Make that decision.
Resilience which is the capacity to bounce back from adversity.
With all the ingredients at hand decide to start making something that will bring meaning to your life and that will make you feel useful. It could be anything. You are now free to do whatever you think is fun, and inspiring. Warning: Don't go down the self-sacrifice route though. Do what brings you joy ( like Marie Kondo! why not) and put it to good use.
So, today I talked about the vagus nerve in the videos (English & Spanish) Understanding its function is always a relief for trauma survivors because it explains the freeze response, and dissociation, for example. But when it comes to healing from a traumatic experience finding meaning is essential and this is where spirituality has your back. If you are dealing with CPTSD reconnect with your spirituality because that is the way. Trauma healing calls for a change. It rearranges priorities, beliefs and values for the better. If you are interested in learning more about this please watch today's videos. See you there!
There are different components that are involved in healing from narcissistic abuse and trauma. There's the scientific part. The unconditional regard of a therapist. The spiritual part. The art aspect of therapy. The determination of the client. In today's video ( English & Spanish ) I give you some tips to help you start that journey.
Estancia Cristina Summer in Buenos Aires is not the best plan if you ask me. It's humid, it's hot. We had 42 degrees Celsius a couple of weeks ago. Or should I say, they had, because I was vacationing in the end of the world when that happened. (Thank you God) "La Patagonia" is simply amazing. More on that in today's video. Right before visiting the glaciers in Calafate, and Ushuaia, the last city before the map ends, I reached 10 thousand subscribers. My Spanish speaking channel has grown to my surprise, at quite a rapid rate.
This got me thinking about learned helplessness (somehow... maybe because of my own experience) and how important it is to get unstuck, to stop procrastinating, to go back to movement and progress. But HOW to overcome learned helplessness? Specifically because trauma makes us feel stuck, and unable to move from words to action.
Here's one way to Make It Happen
1) What do you want to do? or wish you could do?
Write it down.
2) Analyze your possibilities. As realistically as you can. That includes not buying into the Inner Critic's demolishing world view.
3) Write how you feel about it. This last part will clarify things for you A LOT.
In today's video you will find out why it's so hard to set boundaries but for now let's look at 10 key concepts that'll help you set them happily and guilt free.
Francine Shapiro had lived a very traumatic event but walking in a park in California she discovered a way to feel better about it. She realized that if she looked sideways while recalling this traumatic event she instantly felt better. After studying this and realizing that there was a connection between REM (Rapid Eye Movement) and our processing of traumatic events, she developed EMDR. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is based on the assumption that during REM sleep we process what we lived during the day. If we lived very negative events, REM is no longer able to process such negative events, generating trauma. EMDR, with an 80 to 90 % success rate, is considered a highly effective therapy for reducing or eliminating PTSD symptoms. Statistics have shown that when it comes to specific traumatic events, such as a car accident, a rape, an assault, or any other single traumatic event, this type of treatment can reduce PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms significantly. You can learn more about this and how it compares with other therapies when it comes to CPTSD and Narcissistic Abuse in these videos: In English and In Spanish.
Love for the self: easy to understand, more difficult to get. Good news though. Building self-esteem is a process and you can always work on yourself and get more of it! How to build it then? Well, start by watching the video below. One thing is for sure. You'll leave the video being more assertive thanks to the amazing Virginia Satir, who also wrote about the thinking behind assertiveness, and said just what we needed to hear in order for us to really own it. Some therapists swear by mirror work. A movement led by the super smart and equally sweet Louise Hay. Others, like Martin Seligman, who discovered learned helplessness, have a completely different view of what makes a person have good self-esteem.
"I believe that self esteem is just a meter that reads out the state of the system. It is not an end in itself. When you are doing well in school or work, when you are doing well with the people you love, when you are doing well in play, the meter will register high. When you are doing badly, it will register low."
"...the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It's the confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think."
Whichever is your favorite definition, I hope you'll find the tools you need to start your self- esteem building journey.
