Saturday, August 17, 2019

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse



Today I wanted to share three things to consider when healing from an abusive relationship.

It takes time

At least 2 years of consistent therapy to work on any symptoms of CPTSD and on any personal issues that may be present.

During the first year you have to see positive changes and you should start to feel better. If not, consider talking about this with your therapist or maybe try to find a different therapist that can resonate better with you.

No Contact is King 🤴 

Maintaining no contact is a measure of personal protection. 

It doesn't mean that you are angry, you are disrespectful, or that you are taking revenge against the toxic person. It means that you love yourself enough to set this boundary and protect yourself from an abusive person.

If you can't go full no contact, minimize communications via e-mail.

Self-Care is Queen 👸 :)

You have been through A LOT. 

You are currently fragile emotionally and physically.

Use the power of self love to boost your healing progress. 

It's essential that you eat good foods, exercise lightly regularly (yoga is awesome for the traumatized brain) and sleep well.







Friday, August 9, 2019

What Happens When You Go Back With a Narcissist?







When in doubt, stick to the list!

My full answer is in today's video but first let me give you a simple exercise you can do at home, that will bring you clarity and will help you decide for yourself.

Write a list.

Write a list of things you remember from this relationship that were draining emotionally, events that made you feel less than, devalued, alone, things this person did to you that hurt you deeply. 

That will be your "reality check list" that will help you beat the cognitive dissonance blues.

And then you'll know...


Saturday, August 3, 2019

5 Myths About Codependency





Codependency as defined by Leign:

"...is a pattern of compulsive behaviors that is motivated by a dependency on another's approval and is designed to find a sense of safety identity and self-worth."

It's a set of behaviors that make us want to please and always say yes to loved ones in order to avoid negative affect, even if it means that we are saying no to ourselves. 

This way of behaving in the world diminishes our capacity to be assertive, weakens our boundaries, and makes it very difficult for us to be in contact with what we want, and how we feel, because the focus is always on loved ones.

Meanwhile, psychopathic narcissists will prey upon everyone. They'll try. Some people will be easier preys, others not so easy. Some may get a scratch others may get depleted. 

Codependents are the easier prey. In today's video (English) I explain why. There's also a Spanish version here... if you are interested.

But keep in mind: codependent or not, narcissists look for supply, no matter who gives it to them.



 

Wednesday, July 24, 2019

The Inner Critic



Have you ever felt as if you had toxic people renting space in your head? 

Or maybe you assumed that the negative self talk was just yourself thinking?

Either way The Inner Critic is responsible for your own harsh judgements aimed at yourself.

The inner critic is made of "shoulds", "musts", "don'ts", and when a person has been through abuse he or she will have an inflamed inner critic

This harsh critic aggressively replays the abuser's voice reminding the victim of how "inadequate", and "incapable" he or she is. 

It can take years of therapy to silence the Inner Critic. The good news is that there are things you can do about it and in today's video  I give you 4 strategies you can start putting into practice now.


Saturday, July 20, 2019

Your Exceptional Qualities




People that have been abused by a malignant narcissist end up blaming themselves for not having boundaries, not being assertive enough, being too giving, too nice, being weak, not enough, defectiveWhen in reality that's exactly what the abuser wants you to believe, and then, in turn, morph into that (gaslighting 101

In today's video I wanted to give voice to the qualities that a predator personality looks for in a target. 


Someone with a cluster B personality disorder, will use and abuse a target's resilience for example, until there's not much left to get supply from. 

Attributes like empathy, hope for the future, hope for the abuser's future to be exact, kindness, altruism, and intelligence, are all necessary ingredients for an abundant and long lasting "supply". Narcissists don't look for weak people, they want someone that will remain in the relationship, no matter what.

I tend to get a bit crossed with the injustice of these issues so you may find that the video will be more representative of that wired up side of me 😊 


 

Saturday, July 13, 2019

5 Manipulation Tactics That Narcissists Use



"Dripping water hollows out stone, not through force, but through persistence." -Ovid, 0034-

1) Dripping 

I singled out this manipulation tactic all by myself, thank you very much... and called it dripping because, like Ovid, I've witnessed the power of persistence. 

Persistence used in a productive way is so powerful and amazingly positive. However, if one uses it to the detriment of others, it can be deadly.

Dripping would be your cult-like brainwashing repetition of calculated comments and ideas that are handcrafted to mold someone else's values, beliefs, and reality. Dripping happens over a long period of time.

This includes comments, said ever so subtly, about your friends, family or even about core values, and beliefs. Always purposefully trying to shift your perception on people, and ideas that usually are dear to you and that the narcissist really wants you to change. 
I believe this is how they try to change your reality and values.

Other ways this happens is by insisting on the same story that they want you to buy, which is 85 percent a lie. This is one of the ways they recruit flying monkeys.

Another example of this happens when narcissists engage in Parental Alienation which is incredibly damaging to children and would deserve a blog post of its own. 

The rest of the tactics I mentioned in the video  were defined in the book "In Sheep's Clothing" by Dr. George Simon. I recommend this book if you are interested in learning more about these issues.

2) Reality Distortions (Lying by Omission and Lying by Avoiding Details)

3) Playing the Victim and Vilifying the Victim

4) Projecting the Blame.

5) Diversion.


Friday, July 5, 2019

Self-Esteem



Love for the self: easy to understand, more difficult to get. 

Good news though. Building self-esteem is a process and you can always work on yourself and get more of it!

How to build it then? 

Well, start by watching the video below

One thing is for sure. You'll leave the video being more assertive thanks to the amazing Virginia Satir, who also wrote about the thinking behind assertiveness, and said just what we needed to hear in order for us to really own it.

Some therapists swear by mirror work. A movement led by the super smart and equally sweet Louise Hay.

Others, like Martin Seligman, who discovered learned helplessness,  have a completely different view of what makes a person have good self-esteem. 

"I believe that self esteem is just a meter that reads out the state of the system. It is not an end in itself. When you are doing well in school or work, when you are doing well with the people you love, when you are doing well in play, the meter will register high. When you are doing badly, it will register low."

Nathaniel Branden, the author of Six Pillars of Self Esteem  believes that self-esteem is...


"...the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It's the confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think."


Whichever is your favorite definition, I hope you'll find the tools you need to start your self- esteem building journey.



Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Overcome Cognitive Dissonance



Have you ever felt overwhelmed by two conflicting beliefs regarding a decision you need to make?

That's cognitive dissonance

In the case of targets of abuse this is exponentially worse if we add the traumatic bond issue to the equation.

Last week I received quite a few questions regarding this issue through my Facebook page, my email and also DMs on Instagram. I thought I had to make this video

This is a very common situation to be in. 

A highly narcissistic person loves to play the blaming game and spends actual time of the day creating "semi real" pity ploys. That's just how they roll.

So it doesn't come as a surprise when targets of abuse come to therapy concerned about being narcissists themselves!

People that are currently struggling to understand whether they are in an abusive relationship or not, or even if they are themselves narcissistic will benefit from today's video.

Take care!

Alina