Covert vs Overt Narcissism

"It isn't what we say or think that defines us, but what we do." Jane Austen 

What covert narcissists say almost never match up with their actions. Looking at people's actions can help you discern whether or not you are dealing with a toxic person. 

Having said that, covert narcissists can give the illusion of helpers, "good Samaritans", you get the idea, so be knowledgeable of wolves in sheep clothing. 

There's this preconception that a narcissist is a vane person who likes to look in the mirror a lot, and only loves him or herself. 

With that in mind I filmed today's video.

The diagnostic criteria for narcissism includes nine traits so it's more complex than "them loving themselves too much". Mental health professionals use the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) as a guide for diagnoses. I've talked more in detail before here , if you are interested. 

Today I wanted to specifically share what it feels like to be in contact with a covert narcissist, and what signs you can look for in order to put theory into practice.  

If you are going to take anything from the video take this: honor how you feel during the interaction with these personalities. If you find yourself justifying their behavior a lot, you are probably dealing with a toxic person. 

Custom Made Jealousy: Narcissistic Triangulation

What happens when you aren't usually a jealous person but suddenly you feel as if you've turned into a spy?

Narcissistic triangulation can be fabricated by the highly psychopathic or narcissistic person in different ways and always involves other people. 

I covered one of the dynamics in the Flying Monkeys video where other people are literally used to accuse you of made up things, ideas, behaviors, and so on. 

The other way narcissists triangulate happens within a romantic relationship and it's the one I explain in today's video. 

It's a "custom made" scene for you to feel dependent, jealous, and less than, sinking you deeper into the cycle of abuse, invaded by self doubt, confusion and cognitive dissonance.

Distance yourself from this. There's nothing to be explained, understood or put up with. Regain your sanity. Don't engage.

Why All That Drama?

In today's video I tell you how I view the drama that surrounds toxic people and why I think they create it.

In short:

1. That's how they get you to react.
2. When you react emotionally, they get Narcissistic Supply from you.
3. Schadenfreude: which means - believe it or not - taking joy in other peoples' suffering or misfortune.

I also explain the best ways to deal with it and a bit about no contact and co-parenting.

See you soon!

Do Narcissists Apologize? / Narcissism Series

When we apologize we acknowledge and regret what we’ve done wrong, we feel empathy for the other person. We acknowledge the damage and then want to make things right, take actions to accept what we did wrong while taking full responsibility, and act accordingly.

The toxic or covert-aggressive personalities either never apologize or, they do, but it's completely fake.

They can apologize, they actually do apologize in many cases. But it's usually followed by blame shifting and/or a justification for what they did.

Pay close attention to their actions after the fake apology (it really feels fake) Nothing will change and you may end up feeling guilty for something that they did! Crazy, I know!

They may say "I'm sorry" but there won't be true repentance, they will simply justify their bad behavior with more excuses. 

Very common scripts are: 

"Yes I did this but you made me do it in a way"

"If you hadn’t done this or that I wouldn’t have done it" 

"I had to do it because this and that..."

Narcissists can apologize, but it’s fake. It’s an empty apology. There’s no heartfelt regret, no feelings of guilt, no feelings attached to the apology.

When you realize that the ACTIONS don’t match up with the WORDS, you are long gone into the relationship. Why? Because if you are within a range of normalcy, It would never cross your mind that a person can be so fake and prioritize their agenda over another human beings feelings.

So yes. They do apologize. But it’s fake. You’ll see it, you’ll feel it. 

Empty words, maybe followed by a covert-aggressive comment, or an excuse for what they did, or why not, maybe even a blaming game that ends on you.

Random fact alert: In today's video I try to remember the name of the character played by Keanu Reeves' on the movie The Matrix. Have you watched it?

Essential Oils & the Brain

I started using essential oils a a few years ago when I discovered that adding a few drops of lavender to my kids' bathtub before bed, was conducent to a better night sleep. I added the essential oils to  this foaming bath, which I completely recommend, and makes you feel like you are immersed in pure lavender!

Last year a neurologist, expert on narcissistic abuse trauma, mentioned that essential oils were good for the brain and were a great resource accessible to everybody. So, I got a diffusser and started using it.

Apparently, the molecules of essential oils travel through your nose directly to your lymbic system and the hypothalamus. To put it very simply (which is all I know!) when a molecule of certain oils like Frankincense arrive at the lymbic system your brain can increase oxygen levels to up to 28 percent. More oxygen equals improved cognitive functions and a better release of emotions, which results in a better physiological and emotional state.

The study that brought these results showed that diffusing essential oils like myrrh, vetiver, and Frankincense, among others, can have a beneficial effect on your brain.

Of course, always do your own research first, and don't apply them directly on your skin to prevent allergies. Be especially careful and ask your doctor if there are kids in the room when you are diffusing an essential oil. 

Lavender is calming, rose connects you with the feminine, and bergamot is uplifting and calming at the same time. Each essential oil has a specific property, plus they just make your home, or office smell so nice.

Here's today's video! Happy weekend!.